terrified by love

Saturday, January 29, 2005
found one of the reasons im not a very good christian.
I'm terrified by love.
I was doing something mundane and felt my soul twitch. turned around for a glimpe of the eldritch and felt the gaze of love. A long deep dark longing that made me want to dive in and lose myself. the semblance of the deeps of heaven and the stars across the void. It was like the eye of God looked into my soul and laid my desire bare. ran a finger down my shuddering soul and waited.
I ran for my life. shut the door. closed my eyes and pulled the covers up. hyperventilated.
My lover spoke well,"For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it."
And so i creep back to wait by that window to the heavens, watching for another glance. Holding the tenuous cloth of faith in my blood stained hands. tracing stutter steps across the path of virtue.
what blind unreasoning fear grips us in those moments when we are naked before deity that we try to hide?
here i sit, singing the siren call of longing.
oh. for one more glimpse of eternity.

12 comments:

Anonymous said...

so totally relate to that pal.

good christian or not....sure are a good citizen of the Lord. blessed art thou who can express abstract thot in rudimentary forms such as words....

PS: no offence but tone it down a bit will ya ! sounds a lil like nancy friday :O()

-you know who this is...

zimblymallu said...

lol. i have no idea who's been reading nancy friday on the side.

and i dont think i can or should tone it down. i like using bare and shuddering in the same paragraph. i think i'll use them more often. leaves me bare and shuddering. a bare shuddering.

thats how God makes me feel. He should feel better than sex, after all. i dont feel bad at all. im better than nancy friday at this stuff. someday i'll write a whole article about how we need to get more visceral in our expressions of piety.

lol. wait... this is y350.
my comments still stand.

Anonymous said...

hey mallu boy!
are u trying to say that He makes u shudder like u do when having sex? Cuz if that's true i personally find that a little overwhelming; not in a shuddering overwhelming type of way but as in omg that's SICK overwhelming. thank u (sothram)
-jolie

zimblymallu said...

figuring out i shudder while having sex is probably inspired thinking. all i said was i shudder when god touches my soul, and i never said i did that in public either...
might have noticed other people react in different ways. seen some people jump around and others shake.
moving on, the point was that sex is in some ways analogous to extremely close contact with the divine. so if i shudder, respect my privacy and look away... i'm having an extremely good time with my God.
if Song of Songs is a metaphorical expression of my relationship with God, so is my post. just dont call it scripture.
lol. i invite you to explore and post the reasons for using the word SICK.

Anonymous said...

I’m gonna let the whole inspired thinker thing go…I’ll even take that as a compliment. I understand that people react in different ways, which is very acceptable. I guess you just lost me when you used the words sex and shudder together and then compared it to God to top it all off...the whole thing was rather iffy. Moving along, I have no idea what u mean by saying that sex brings you closer to God. Explain that one for me cuz u lost me there. Oh but may I leave you with this thought, it’s quoted from Song of Songs in honor of the previous comment. “Behold, your are fair, my love! Behold, you are fair! You have dove’s eyes behind your veil. Your hair is like a flock of goats…” I guess shuddering is better than having my hair look like a float of goats. Who wants nappy looking goat hair? Shuddering it is! And as far as the word SICK goes, I’ll save that for another day to torture you with.

zimblymallu said...

thats awful nice of you, to let the inspired thinking go.

you still havent said why saying sex and shudder and then comparing it to God was iffy.
my whole premise was that sex is good. being so close to God and feeling so overwhelmed in my spirit made me shudder. the closest equivalent i could come to was something like sex. I believe its a valid comparison, after all, its not the mechanics of sex that make it great, but the emotional foundation that you let yourself feel... so i wasnt comparing it to just plain sex, but sex in a true relationship, which is the best kind of sex there is. at least, thats what i heard. on very good authority.

never did say sex brought me closer to God. But that does not mean that God isn't a voyeur. i dont think he has no choice in the matter. or that he's in any way titillated by it. the most i can say is that he's happy for me when the sex is great.
more information on sex for a christian
christian counter cultureAbout the hair being like a flock of goats
I'll let the christian leadership center handle that one. Here's a pertinent excerpt
So, to say that her hair is like a flock of goats on Mount Gilead, you have to understand how valuable goats were (and are) to that part of the world. (In our world a goat is the opposite of a hero, or a stubborn person is an old goat). You can also picture off in the distance a flock of goats coming down the hilly slopes of Gilead, reminding the man of the cascading locks of her hair. Goat=s hair, by the way, was used for making tents and some of the finest wools and cloths. As tenting material it was wonderful, shrinking in the dry heat to let air blow through, and expanding in the wet to keep the rain out. Her world is the country with all its earthy beauty.another day it is... for SICK. was it SICK as in.. "yo, that was SICK" or "i think i'm getting SICK"

Anonymous said...

Thank u for saying I’m nice, that’s sweet of u.
Okay so I guess I owe some explaination. The reasons I felt iffy about saying sex and shudder in the same sentence was because sex isn’t the only way to describe the shudder ur referring to. There are many other ways of describing it, in what is an equally descriptive way. How about the shudders u receive from the wisps of cold frosted wind during the winter season? When your entire body feels like it’s shutting down and there’s not even an ounce of energy left in u to even begin to fight the cold. All you can do is curl up wherever u are and take it all in, shuddering. If God makes u shudder, don’t u think it’s more so because ur in awe of Him? Somehow you didn’t pick the other versions u picked sex. Now may I remind u that sex isn’t always a positive feeling for people. Yes, there is an emotional foundation to it, however, is that always as good as it sounds? There could be much fear and anxiety to that feeling rather than what ur referring to.

God is happy for u when ur having sex? No comment, other than a clear and distinct “SOTHRAM!”. That comment will stand alone.

About the passage I choose to refer to. Yes I know how valuable goats were at the time. I’ll just take that whole portion of ur comment as a compliment towards my own locks of hair. (Thank u by the way).

SICK-ideas revealed.
I meant sick as in “yo, that was SICK”. Other translations/versions also include disgusting, nasty, and disturbing. NOTE: Not sick as in “that’s cool”. And the intentions of me saying ur sick was to the original statement of doubting the comparision of sex, shudders, and God.

-malu on a mission- jolie

Anonymous said...

Thank u for saying I’m nice, that’s sweet of u.
Okay so I guess I owe some explaination. The reasons I felt iffy about saying sex and shudder in the same sentence was because sex isn’t the only way to describe the shudder ur referring to. There are many other ways of describing it, in what is an equally descriptive way. How about the shudders u receive from the wisps of cold wind during the winter season? When your entire body feels like it’s shutting down and there’s not even an ounce of energy left in u to even begin to fight the cold. All you can do is curl up wherever u are and take it all in, shuddering. If God makes u shudder, don’t u think it’s more so because ur in awe of Him? Somehow you didn’t pick the other versions u picked sex. Now may I remind u that sex isn’t always a positive feeling for people. Yes, there is an emotional foundation to it, however, is that always as good as it sounds? There could be much fear and anxiety to that feeling rather than what ur referring to.

God is happy for u when ur having sex? No comment, other than a clear and distinct “SOTHRAM!”. That comment will stand alone.

About the except I choose to refer to. Yes I know how valuable goats were at the time. I’ll just take that whole portion of ur comment as a compliment towards my own locks of hair. (Thank u by the way).

SICK-idea revealed.
I meant sick as in “yo, that was SICK”. Other translations/versions also include disgusting, nasty, and disturbing. NOTE: Not sick as in “that’s cool”. And the intentions of me saying ur sick was to the original statement of doubting the comparision of sex, shudders, and God.

-malu on a mission- jolie

Anonymous said...

Thank u for saying I’m nice, that’s sweet of u.
Okay so I guess I owe some explaination. The reasons I felt iffy about saying sex and shudder in the same sentence was because sex isn’t the only way to describe the shudder ur referring to. There are many other ways of describing it, in what is an equally descriptive way. How about the shudders u receive from the wisps of cold wind during the winter season? When your entire body feels like it’s shutting down and there’s not even an ounce of energy left in u to even begin to fight the cold. All you can do is curl up wherever u are and take it all in, shuddering. If God makes u shudder, don’t u think it’s more so because ur in awe of Him? Somehow you didn’t pick the other versions u picked sex. Now may I remind u that sex isn’t always a positive feeling for people. Yes, there is an emotional foundation to it, however, is that always as good as it sounds? There could be much fear and anxiety to that feeling rather than what ur referring to.

God is happy for u when ur having sex? No comment, other than a clear and distinct “SOTHRAM!”. That comment will stand alone.

About the except I choose to refer to. Yes I know how valuable goats were at the time. I’ll just take that whole portion of ur comment as a compliment towards my own locks of hair. (Thank u by the way).

SICK-concept revealed.
I meant sick as in “yo, that was SICK”. Other translations/versions also include disgusting, nasty, and disturbing. NOTE: Not sick as in “that’s cool”. And the intentions of me saying ur sick was to the original statement of doubting the comparision of sex, shudders, and God.

-malu on a mission- jolie

Anonymous said...

apologies for the many comments!

zimblymallu said...

so lets go over the whole shudder definition again and what i meant.
original passage "It was like the eye of God looked into my soul and laid my desire bare. ran a finger down my shuddering soul and waited." this shudder is something you want. there is an element of helplessness and willing surrender all at the same time. that is why i compared it to sex. unfortunately, i have never had anything else make me feel that way. if i ever do, i'll use it.
now, about sex being a situation that is scary or stressful. If its great sex, it wont be. not in a bad way.
so in conclusion, i was comparing, not equating. and i used sex to make the point. because sex gets everybody interested. and that is not SICK.

Anonymous said...

*clap clap clap* very nice! i tip my hat off to u on this one...lol. Twas fun, u win.
~jolie
p.s. must u always have the last word?