Penultimatum

“Eda! Are you studying?" His father pops up at odd times, looms menacingly and disappears. Its study vacation and the stakes are high. The cane of justice can descend at any moment if he's not careful. On guard, his eyes drift to the novel open in his lap, "Oh God, one more chapter, and I’ll stop."

Read the rest of the anthology.

mr. lobo's healing

St. Germains High School has got to be my favorite school. When I am old and senile, I will still be telling my grandchildren about St. Germains and the education I partook in. I missed the first day of 10th grade. I managed to get typhoid during that summer vacation and it was a while before my parents would let me out of bed. Since the first day of school was always wasted, it was decided that I didn't need to go. So off I went on the second day to school, only to find that I had ended up in 10 A. St. Germains had about hundred and fifty kids in 10th grade that year, and we were divided up into three classrooms. The 10 A class teacher was Mr. Amal Raj, also called Dubba by those in the know. which was pretty much everyone. We had nicknames for every teacher in school, and the good ones usually stuck around for years. Dubba was one of the good ones, and it had been handed down to us through the years along with the fragments of the legend. All i remember is that it had to do with his lunch box, which was this huge steel tiffin box set that he carried in a bag on his classic indian bicycle. The green one with the bent handle bars and the huge seat and steel cargo rack.

me and dubba were not really on the best of terms over an incident that happened at the end of 9th grade. you can imagine my horror when i found out he was my class teacher. the real fault i had with dubba was that he had favorites, and i was definitely not on the list. in fact, i was convinced he hated me. we both had reason... luckily for me, i managed to go home and somehow convince my father i wanted to change classes, and he actually came to school and talked to mr. toppo, the vice principal and it was all done.

In the middle of this eventful first week of school, however, mr. lobo found time to heal me of a persistent cough i had. and very effectively too. its never come back since. mr. lobo was one of the teachers who'd been around for a long time and he taught physics. he was generally looked on as a harmless old man who could be teased easily. word on the classroom aisles was that it wouldn't do to piss him off however. I still remember he used to wear short sleeved shirts which used to generally be white with vertical stripes. And he had a paunch and greyish white hair that he combed to the side and a moustache. He also used to wear grey or dark brown slim boot cut pants and brown loafers and he walked slowly. It would always take him a while to get from the staffroom to the class.

Our classrooms in 10A, 10B, and 10C were in a row on the side of the quadrangle right outside the vice principal's office and below the principal's. It was done so that we would be less tempted to goof off. It worked, because we'd end up being chased inside our classrooms a lot. All three classrooms had really low roofs and the door was towards the back of the class. When you stood in the doorway, you'd see the last rows of benches and tables. We had an aisle in the middle of the classroom and benches and tables in rows all the way to the front of the class where there was a single desk and chair for the teacher and the blackboard. Opposite the door, all across the far wall were set huge square bay windows. The far end was open except for decorative metal grating and these windows could be closed up on the near side with wooden windows that had murky glass panes. We also had a single tubelight set in the ceiling. We used to have a lot of fun taking the little starter out of the tubelight and persuading the teacher there wasn't enough light in the class for us to see anything on the board. The students would sit three to a bench, according to height, and thankfully enough, I'd end up towards the back.

It was my first class with Mr. Lobo, and a first class with a new lecturer is always a time of testing. You always want to see how much you can get away with. In this case, I was sitting near the windows, in the second bench from the back and we were writing down stuff as Mr. Lobo dictated from his notes. During the course of the dictation, he drifted back and sat down on the last bench, near the aisle. I was in the middle of the next bench, with a friend next to me, and we were all bent over writing in our 200 hundred page ruled square notebooks.

All of a sudden, Mr. Lobo coughed. Immediately a smile blossomed on a few faces. There were a few furtive looks. Suddenly, a cough sounded in the back to my right. I waited. There was another cough to the front. Then I coughed. If you thought a yawn was contagious, you have no idea what a teacher's cough can do to a classroom of boys who are just waiting for an opportunity to goof off. Suddenly, it was as if the whole class erupted in a fit of coughing. We heard all kinds of congestion clearing up, from a simple sore throat to a deep hacking cough. In a matter of seconds, it petered out, with the final cough showing up somewhere in front of me. I didnt want it to end just yet. I decided I'd cough again. So i did, only it came out staggered, so it ended up sounding singly in the silence. "ahuh, ahuhh". satisfied, a smile began to make its way to my face.

BAM. Out of nowhere, a hand had come and slapped me across my right cheek. I looked up, in growing horror. Now it was a matter of finding out exactly how bad the punishment was going to be. I look around to hear "SO YOU THINK YOU CAN MAKE A FOOL OF ME?" Now was not the time for an answer. I could catch the look of horror on the faces of my classmates and friends. This was new to them too. There was no precedent in our short history together with Mr. Lobo on how to handle this situation. So I did the only sane thing. Kept my mouth shut. "GET OUT. GET OUT OF MY CLASS RIGHT NOW. AND YOU CANT SIT IN MY CLASS TILL YOU BRING YOUR FATHER TO SEE ME"

Getting out took only a manner of seconds, excruciatingly slow though they were. Now it was even more important that I get out of 10 A and into 10C. I knew he taught physics in 10B too. So I went home and told my father again that I needed to get out of 10A because Dubba hated me. By the end of the week, it was done. But they threw me into 10B instead. I kept my mouth shut and my head down and tried to blend into the dirty brown of the desk. It didnt work. Physics class rolled around and he asked me again to bring my father in. So I went home and told him about how the new physics teacher wanted to meet him. My dad happens to have a B.S. in physics. I put the whole spin on it. Nice physics teacher, physics is important, physics is good, i love physics, my teacher wants to meet you. All that. So my dad came to school, and they talked right in front of me. All Mr. Lobo said was," your son is a smart boy, but he needs to pay attention sometimes". Then my dad went home and all was good. I never had a problem with Mr. Lobo again. Needless to say, I was eternally grateful that he did not say a word to my father and he never had a problem with me. And that cough? It never afflicted me in his class again.

the real steel kaapi

hung out with chetan and praveen on wednesday. we ate thai food and had a hankering for some real indian coffee. hit the madras cafe. even got the steel glass to go with the coffee. after a lot of soul searching, decided it wouldnt be right to order tea too.
the end.

flower of the cauvery

i was looking for an equivalent in tamil. i figured i'd ask a tamilian friend. it turned out better than i expected. i learned a lot more than i needed. especially since i made up everything about padma lakshmi

[05:51] zimblymallu: what's a word of affection in tamil?
[05:51] zimblymallu: like, say
[05:51] zimblymallu: thankamani?
[05:55] d. f. pandi: lol
[05:55] d. f. pandi: i dont know any such word
[05:56] zimblymallu: thangam - mani
[05:57] zimblymallu: gawd. exploit the language already
[05:57] d. f. pandi: lol. why ?
[05:57] zimblymallu: just for kix
[06:08] d. f. pandi: kixing whom ?
[06:08] zimblymallu: umm. nobody ?
[06:08] d. f. pandi: lol.
[06:08] d. f. pandi: am i being enough of a dip?
[06:09] zimblymallu: not really. but u want to come up with a nice tamilian term of endearment?
[06:09] d. f. pandi: why ?
[06:09] d. f. pandi: which tamil chick are you talking to ?
[06:09] zimblymallu: dude.
[06:10] zimblymallu: why would i be talkin to a tamil chick?
[06:10] zimblymallu: romba nalla pattu
[06:10] zimblymallu: did u see that video ?
[06:10] zimblymallu: mia
[06:17] d. f. pandi: yeah.
[06:17] d. f. pandi: i did
[06:17] d. f. pandi: lol.
[06:17] d. f. pandi: so why is it that you want a tamil endearment
[06:17] d. f. pandi: ?
[06:17] zimblymallu: romba nalla pattu
[06:18] zimblymallu: and i need something after that
[06:18] d. f. pandi: why why why ??
[06:18] d. f. pandi: tell me why ??
[06:18] d. f. pandi: does she look like padma lakshmi
[06:18] d. f. pandi: ??
[06:18] zimblymallu: nooooooooooooooooooooooo
[06:18] zimblymallu: dont tease me with the impossible
[06:19] d. f. pandi: lol.
[06:19] d. f. pandi: but shes one hottie though huh ?
[06:20] zimblymallu: ok. see. lets keep that in our mind
[06:20] zimblymallu: now. im talkin to padma lakshmi here,
[06:20] zimblymallu: and im like, hey my
[06:20] zimblymallu: .... /???/
[06:21] d. f. pandi: nice try
[06:21] d. f. pandi: i want to know why u need
[06:21] d. f. pandi: it in the firwst place..
[06:21] d. f. pandi: muahahaha1!!~!
[06:21] zimblymallu: fine. i met padma lakshmi at the hilton the other day
[06:21] zimblymallu: k.
[06:22] zimblymallu: i was there at this seminar and she happened to be in the lobby, so when i saw this cute indian woman, i walked over and said hi.
[06:22] zimblymallu: do u know about this awesome chicken and rice place thats right outside ur hotel
[06:22] d. f. pandi: and ..?
[06:23] zimblymallu: what and.?
[06:23] d. f. pandi: what happened after that ?
[06:23] zimblymallu: so we talked about how america's cool but not as cool as india
[06:23] zimblymallu: and stood in the line for chicken and rice and she really liked it.
[06:23] zimblymallu: and she's going back soon to shoot some movie, but before she leaves, we're hitting the chicken and rice place again
[06:23] d. f. pandi: and she happens to be tamilian ?
[06:23] zimblymallu: so i need that word
[06:24] d. f. pandi: shoot some movie ?
[06:24] zimblymallu: to throw into the conversation
[06:24] zimblymallu: umm. yeah
[06:24] d. f. pandi: ah, hm. you lucky luck duck (its not really duck, u know that, right...)
[06:24] d. f. pandi: how come u meet all the cuites
[06:24] zimblymallu: can u tell me the freakin word now
[06:24] d. f. pandi: and you just went and spoke to her just like that ?
[06:25] d. f. pandi: lol. hm, you could call her kunju mole ?
[06:25] d. f. pandi: oh damn thats mallu.
[06:25] zimblymallu: not mallu
[06:25] d. f. pandi: call her kanamma ..
[06:25] d. f. pandi: wait .. i'll talk to some proper tamil boys a and come back
[06:25] d. f. pandi: gimme 10
[06:25] zimblymallu: c'mon. that sounds cute? ?
[06:26] d. f. pandi: kanamma is beautiful .. its from this tamil poets poetry .. bharathiar
[06:26] d. f. pandi: or you could go ' paavi ' thats a sinner, the female form of the word ..
[06:27] d. f. pandi: like "adi paavi" we could go for dinner or something
[06:27] zimblymallu: hmmm.
[06:30] zimblymallu: LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
[06:30] zimblymallu: are u still around?
[06:32] d. f. pandi: what was LOLLOL ???
[06:32] d. f. pandi: yeah i am
[06:32] d. f. pandi: all wasted bums here ..
[06:32] zimblymallu: oh. well.
[06:33] d. f. pandi: but tell me .. is this woman coming back to blore or something ?
[06:33] zimblymallu: i just made up that story
[06:33] zimblymallu: ahahahaahahahahahahahahahaahahhaa
[06:33] zimblymallu: i am currently rolling on the floor
[06:33] d. f. pandi: and i bought it.
[06:34] d. f. pandi: there isnt going to be any end to this is there ?

bhagatram's

i was sitting at work when my phone rang. well, actually, it makes this nice little electronica space music thats never gets in the way of whatever's happening. i take a look and realize its a call from india. i pick up the phone and hear my sister on the line.
"we're lost. we're on dispensary road and we need to get to commercial street. how do i get there."
i'm thinking... dispensary road? i remember the name. then i think. hold on. im sitting here 3000 miles and 3 years away, and she wants me to remember the name of a street? strangely comforting that she thinks i've got perfect recall. but you've got to understand. i dont expect street signs in bangalore. i just know how to get where i have to go. from viveknagar to coxtown to banashankari 2nd stage to cornerhouse. (cornerhouse demands its own location on the map) well, i didnt know where it was. but google comes to the rescue again. i type in dispensary road and find this map. from there it was pretty simple. and that's how i got a box of bhagatram's burfi.

fair and lovely

found this post at Vikrum Sequeira's blog Vislumbres

had to chime in.

the results are in

for the ethics and blogging survey conducted by the Singapore Internet Research Center

View the results

preethialli dhamar agi bidbidthay

working in collaboration with pooja, we came up with the kannada remix of UB40's "Can't help falling in love with you"

Sing along, lyrics below...

Wise men say, only fools rush in.
punta helthanay, goobe bega odtharay

But I can't help falling in love with you
andhre naanu nin preethialli dhamar agi bidbidthay

Shall I stay? Would it be a sin?
nan idbidla? adhu pappa agatha?

I can't help falling in love with you
naanu nin preethialli dhamar agi bidbidthay

As the river flows gently to the sea
kaveri heriyothara nidanakay samudra athra

Darling so we go, some things were meant to be
darrrrling, nadionna, solpa samaan hagaynay

Take my hand take my whole heart too
nan kay ethko, nan poorthi hridaya thoko

'Cause i can't help falling in love with you
andhre naanu nin preethialli dhamar agi bidbidthay

aside to mother earth

knocked blindside up on the techno revelry of the past. we rot and roll, pushed out of our shells and wondering at the pristine gore. laid out in morgue fashion, lost in the tepid scrawl of waxy black tar that spills over your furrows of clay.
i wonder at the images filling my head.
the stark black shutter stop click click click and off we go. running at break neck speed down the winds of tomorrow, we slide past grottos that hold secrets we will never grasp. lost amidst the insouciant wraps that clothe this world in green.

aiyo

Mallu Vocabulary Lesson 1

aiyo - an expression used to denote shock, horror and emotional or physical pain.
It is often used when something unfortunate happens and can be uttered either by the victim or by witnesses. To add authenticity to your mallu disguise, use aiyo whenever you stub a toe, burn your tongue on some hot coffee or get beat by your parents.

Transcript
Aiyo - aiyo

Examples

Aiyo kashtam - oh how sad...
aiyo daivame - oh my god
aiyo karthave - o christ...
aiyo njan oru arishta manushen - o wretched man that i am

Repeat after me

Aiyo

the music of the spheres

i love going to church.
inspiration strikes me here in the assembly of the saints. our anthem of praise a banner that floats on the winds of time. our songs of joy a foretelling of bliss to come. our cries of longing, the spirit's call for revelation.
i stood in church today and heard the love song for my savior. the chords filled the air as ordinary people took up the words. my voice wandered the throng that surrounded the throne of grace. blending into the melody that rises on this sunday morning, standing on the fringes of the joyous crowd, i am lost in the beauty of the song. yet again.

christianity is for ADULTS

im tired too. of the vanilla flavor that permeates the knowledge of the holy. the washed down version of christ we portray on the stained glass windows of our soul. please. no more pink frilled sunday school classes full of beautiful pictures and g rated stories.
i want the sweat, the blood, the tears and grimy dirt in the corner of my eyes that tell me i'm bleeding and broken, splinters of the cross under my nails, sleeping in the garden of my gethsamane. tell me of the acrid sweat tinged air that surrounds a betraying kiss.
i wonder sometimes, when it was decided that the god of the little children could not handle growing up.

manjesh in america

this post will probably be full of kannada references. in keeping with the situation. adhikay, kannada kalsbittu ba... (so, learn kannada...)

praveen and i showed up at the airport to pick up manjy. for once, we were early. so we spent the time looking at travellers and wondering if it was manjy. then we spent some time wandering the terminal looking for him. finally he showed up, and went straight to the phone booth. yeah. we were watching him go by and laughing the whole time. i wanted to take a photo, but praveen kept telling me i'd get arrested.
manjesh at the airport
manjy looks the same, but like most of us, men and women..., he's got himself a buddha belly.
so we drove him over to the hotel where he was staying.
manjesh and praveen at homestead inn
that whole hotel seemed to be populated by indians. after checking in, the first we noticed was the king size bed. yes, of course i asked him to pose on it. he seemed strangely reluctant. i want to know what he associates with a kingsize bed. oh, did i mention that it was the only bed. and he had a roommate showing up later. you would have to ask manjy if he was cute...
well, after eating some really good "sweets" that manjy carried all the way from bangalore, we settled down to the serious business of unpacking. manjy ate some too. thanks, raghu and preetham. i heard raghu did all the actual buying and preetham was managing... this hotel had a kitchen, so off we went to buy enough food to see him through the next few days.
in the lobby, we met this nice indian girl. so we asked her where the nearest indian store was. she said "goh straiiigggghhhhttt, take a laeft, you will come to circle. there are some shops there." man, immediate flashback to bangalore. yes, she was kannadiga. no. no pictures of strange indian women here. we managed to let her know that we knew kannada too, by talking to her in kannada.("oudha, neev ella bangalore indha...") then we found out she really didnt know too much about the place. so we went off to explore. picked up some food and a knife from a chinese supermarket. got back and decided to start cooking. praveen was in charge of the whole curry operation. i sat around looking good. like i usually do. manjesh kept on talking about how he knew cooking. turns out american kitchens are not like indian kitchens. puntaaaa.... excuses, excuses. then we figure out he doesnt know how to cook rice either. hahaha. so now praveen tells him. 1 cup rice, 1 and a half cups water. while praveen and i cut up the stuff, and throw it in the pot, we hear noises about showing him how to cook. instead of paying attention, manjy is busy putting his nonstick frying pan together. the one that he got for free when he bought another one. then he showed us how you dont need to put oil in a nonstick pan when cooking eggs. after scraping off the resulting mess, we made some more eggs and settled down to eat dinner.
cooking eggs
praveen will give you the recipe for the curry if you want. it was chickpeas, tomato paste, onions(?), whatever spices manjy brought( the hero brought sambhar powder, rasam powder and chili powder. what is the world coming to when indians dont know their spices... we threw them all in) and coconut milk. i think.
did i mention that a girl who works with him dropped by to say hi. far be it from me to say more. other than say that he went up to her room first. and she told him to come over the next day and learn cooking.
our kitchen dada did send an email about how he was really busy, didnt he...

entomology

pinned down by the glue
of my inadequacy
i strain against the skewer of
doubt that pierces my
soul
and holds me fast on
a sea of glass
without wings to lend
impetus to my struggle
choking to death on a
surfeit of hope
i lie back and wait

balanced on the fulcrum
of mediocrity
my days pass in the
silence between
my ears
foreshadowed by hope,
weighed down by waiting
i seek cheap thrills,
lifting a foot, dancing
on the edge of my
seesaw of life

bushido mio

seppuku
my entrails spill
on the altar
at the general's request
an offering

blood and guts
my reasonable sacrifice
an offering of love
torn out of me
day by day

praise falls
a scattershot of blood
forced, choking,
from my throat
it flows

gah

gah,
anger rips
through my
throat, caught
by my
glottis
the rage burns
in my wrists
forcing words
on paper
quicksilver fire
runs in my veins,
held back by the
epithelial
lining of grace
here lies my
transmuted venom

back to the fold

i am undone, betrayed
by flesh and blood
grasping fingers, the
skeleton bones of my
past wont let me go
they hold me back,
cold grasp on my
ankles,
cold hug for my
shoulder
bleached ivory white
entwined in my palm
a jawbone whispers
in my ear
malayalee
malayalee

existence, anyone?

Would you choose nonexistence?
To never have lived?
the whole thing started in the comments section of this post, when i took exception to a phrase uttered by jake
a separate thread seemed cleaner...

edit. jakespeak

introducing the konkani kiss master

also known as the mallu hridaya kallan (MHK)
or the brahmin beast of love.
the one and only dove raja.
will be, in collaboration with me, telling us how he wooed his one and only.
since he refuses to let me know anything about her, i have made it part of my mission to find out details and let the world know who actually got omkar's banner of love all over her...
If anybody has any information to contribute, do post it as a comment somewhere...
So far i've found out that she is from philly.
and he's only telling me good things about her.
a picture of our hindu brother

heena manu jananam

this is a malayalam post.
i heard a song that went like this. and i post this because i love the tune.

Heena manu jananam edutha
yesu raja nin samipay nilpu
etu koll avanay thalladhay x2

literally translated, it goes like this

weak, man incarnation/birth/form took
jesus king your side standing
closer inflict/take him dont push him away

or

the one who was incarnated as mortal man,
lord jesus, stands by your side
confess him, dont reject him.

It is not easy translating malayalam to english.